Fifty Bucks Well-Earned, Almost

As Marge walked down the long aisle she looked up to see the groom, who was standing, smiling at the end of the aisle. Immediately saying yes when he had proposed, she could not wait to be married, especially to the man of her dreams. Waiting at the end of the aisle, Frank stood nervously. He had been waiting for this moment all his life, and he could not believe it was already upon him. He felt like jelly. In the first row, the mothers were clutching their tissues and bawling boomingly into them as Marge passed.

Meanwhile, Francis was standing in the lobby, ready to enter behind Marge. On a pillow next to him, lay the wedding rings, small and gold. He did not want his sister to be married because he didn’t much care for Frank, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Picking up the rings and starting slowly into the aisle, he realized that if he didn’t want his sister to be married he would have to act immediately or forever hold his peace. Quickly, he shoved them up his nose. “This will stop the wedding for sure,” thought Francis as he followed Marge.

When he reached the end of the row, the preacher looked down at the pillow and then at Francis. “Where are they?” he asked. “I don’t know,” replied Francis innocently as he sucked them farther up his nose. “Do you have a cold my dear bo--HOLY CRAP! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE!” screeched the preacher, finally noticing Francis’ bulging nostrils. Digging up his nose with his finger, Francis pulled out the rings, which were covered in snot, spit on them to rinse off the mucus, and handed them to the shocked preacher. On this note, the preacher quickly married the couple. Gloomily searching for his parents, Francis finally found his father, who took the pillow from him as he said, “If your plan had worked, I would have paid you a well-earned fifty bucks.”

Gold Digging

Watching his beautiful older sister glide down the aisle, escorted by their father, Jimmy’s heart sank. Exasperatedly, Jimmy rolled his eyes at the idea of people falling “in love”, which he found to be very obnoxious. Marriage was a fun-sucker. Jimmy, on pain of death by his parents, was the ring bearer; although he’d done everything he could to avoid this terrible prospect. With all his heart, Jimmy loathed that man, from the moment he’d met him. Although he’d hated all of Lia’s boyfriend’s, Cuthbert was the worst. What made him the worst? Cuthbert had actually succeeded in taking away his dearly beloved sister.

Dejectedly he thought to himself that the worst part about it all was that there was nothing he could do to stop it. He had planned. He had schemed. But he had lost. All of his plans, all of his daydreams, which included things such as blowing the groom up, pushing him off a cliff, or chasing him away with a giant rabid ape, had failed. Panicking, Jimmy looked around, and as he did, a brilliant plan popped into his brain. This was his last chance! In desperation, he snatched the two rings from the frilly white cushion, and without hesitation, stuffed one into each nostril. As he marched innocently behind his sister up the aisle, he felt a glow of pride at his own brilliance. No one would ever suspect to look there. He would stop the wedding if it was the last thing he ever did.

Jimmy chuckled to himself, remembering what his mother always said when he picked his nose, “Are you digging for gold?” Now he literally was. When Jimmy arrived at the altar, he held out the empty white pillow to the priest. Glaring at Jimmy, the priest,aghast, demanded where the rings were. Jimmy shrugged his shoulders casually. To Jimmy’s delight the wedding was postponed in order to search for the rings. As the day continued however, the rings began to slide down his nose, so Jimmy continually pushed them farther up. Unfortunately, Jimmy had a very small nose, so this was an extremely painful predicament. Finally, three hours later, he screamed that he couldn’t take it anymore and stuffed his pinkies up to pull the rings out, but Jimmy had pushed them so high up that this was problematic. The rings were stuck! Jimmy’s parents were furious when he confessed, but they, too, couldn’t extract those precious rings rom Jimmy’s tiny freckled nose. In the end, the rings had to be surgically removed, which was an excruciating experience for Jimmy. His parents decided that this was punishment enough. As Cuthbert and Lia took their vows, Jimmy made his own vow that he would never dig for gold again.

Professional Crime Fighting

Sweeping the floor of his store, Franklin glanced up to see a massive man with a mask like Zorro’s stuffing his pockets with merchandise. “Hey you didn’t pay for that!” Franklin shouted angrily. Calmly, the man kept shoving trinkets in his pockets and down the front of his shirt. Franklin, who was very confused about why the thief didn’t run, thought up a plan. Since the thief ignored him, Franklin dropped his broom as he stomped furiously across the aisle.

Past the toys Franklin sprinted. He hurtled quite madly. He panted loudly. Casually, the thief took out a gun and pointed it at Franklin. Since he didn’t know what to do, Franklin stopped abruptly. The thief, who grinned slyly, chuckled to himself. Although usually he was a sensible man, Franklin charged at the monstrous intruder. Pulling the trigger, the thief fired. Franklin couldn’t understand what was happening. He wasn’t in any pain, but he was lying on his back, soaked to the skin. It was a water gun.

Jumping to his feet, Franklin chased the thief through the store, hollering at the top of his lungs. As they came to the exercise department, the thief glanced back to see if he was still being chased. Frantically swiveling his head to see where he was running, the thief realized too late that he was half an inch away from a pull-up bar. The thief collapsed pathetically on the ground. After the police, who showed up late, identified the man as an escaped convict named Al Steellall, they tied and woke him up. Franklin asked him, “Did you really think you’d get away with that?” “You are the only reason I didn’t,” Al replied. Receiving the reward money for capturing Al, Franklin went into professional crime fighting service and became a millionaire, while Al became a professional prisoner, locked up in jail.

Linus's Miserable Failure

Linus sat down to work on a school project. “What in the world should I write about, Snoopy?” Linus asked the dog. Suddenly he jotted down a few words. Crossing them out, he laid his head on the table, thinking furiously, which is quite hard for a boy. Linus had to write a story by taking three pictures and writing a paragraph about each one. Although it was not hard, he still did not want to do it.

Writing as quickly as he could, he came up with something. Happily, he inspected what he’d written a few minutes later. Because he was so excited, he exclaimed, “Snoopy look at this!” Snoopy, who looked the essay up and down, approved. On the paper was a story of a boy who did not know what to write about.

“Linus, time for school,” his mother called loudly up the stairs. Linus had forgotten about school! Hurriedly, Linus ran frantically down the stairs and put on his brown sandals. Hopping onto the bus, he rode down the street, when suddenly Linus realized he had forgotten his paper. At school, he failed his project miserably.

Deathly Fish Fear

Where is that cake? Debra was leaning into the refrigerator, looking frantically for the cake. Because of her husband’s fortieth birthday party that evening she was very stressed out. Thinking about all the things she had to do made her nervous. She still had to clean the house, shop for funky party napkins, sweep the floor, and put up party decorations. Briskly she searched through the fridge, which was stuffed with party food, wondering where the cake was.

Jumping back like a scared cat from the refrigerator suddenly, she put her hand over her mouth and looked as if she was going to be sick. A terrified expression came to her face, and she backed away from the fridge. Inside the fridge was a huge bowl of moving fish. Debra screamed!

Sharply, she ran across the room and fell like a rock to the floor. Flopping out of the fridge onto the floor, the fish laid there and died from lack of water. Alfred, Debra’s little boy, walked in and started to cry because all the fish he had found at the pond were dead. After a couple of minutes, Harold, who had been doing college homework in the basement, came up to see what all the fuss was about. In the end, Harold called off the party and put Debra, who was very distraught because of her deathly fear of fish, to bed, gave the frightfully sad boy a spanking for bringing fish inside the house, and cleaned up all the dead fish.

Billy's First Day

On Billy’s first day of work at the supermarket, he was absolutely ecstatic and wore a smile like a circus clown all afternoon until a tough pudgy man with a black mask sauntered in. Suspiciously, Billy eyed the man as he swept the floor. Billy soon stopped watching the man and began thinking about what a good employee he was while he grinned stupidly. Hearing the sound of a stomach growling, Billy was alerted to the man again, who was sneakily snatching a box of Cocoa Puffs from a shelf and hiding it behind his back. Billy pointed at the man. The man’s stomach growled loudly. When Billy tried to yell, his voice was squeaky as a rubber ducky, and only a gurgle came out. Billy’s happiness and smile were replaced with fear.

Slyly, the robber lied to Billy about how hungry his poor family was and how he had no money to feed them. He spun his story. He embellished it. He deceived. Dabbing at his eyes with his apron, Billy felt sorry for the man and kindly told him that he could take the box of cereal for his family. While Billy wiped his tears away, the robber grabbed two more boxes of cocoa puffs, which he concealed under his shirt. The robber believed he was utterly clever because he had lied so convincingly and had tricked Billy completely. Hurrying out of the supermarket, the robber couldn’t wait to enjoy his delectable Cocoa Puffs since he was famished.

Billy, who was thoroughly confused, wondered why the man had left without a small thank-you. How could he be so ungrateful? Before long, this question was answered when his boss told him that that the man was a well known serial killer and petty thief. Unfortunately, Billy’s first afternoon was his last as he was fired for his stupidity, and his ecstasy vanished when he realized he’d been tricked by the robber.

A Note to Not Forget

Once there was a girl named Ruthie Anne, who was a kind and honest person, but exceptionally forgetful. Talking to her friend Ramona one day, Ruthie Anne was asked to care for her plant for the weekend while Ramona was visiting her grandmother. Ruthie Anne assured Ramona that Fuzzy (the plant) would be safe with her. Like a mother, Ramona brought the plant over to Ruthie Anne’s house and told her to make sure that the plant got plenty of water and was put in a cool shady area. She also mentioned that Fuzzy needed an hour of play time every day or he would get lonely. After Ramona left, Ruthie Anne decided that a nice cool place would be the refrigerator, so she set the plant on the top shelf among the ketchup bottle, strawberry jam, and leftover casserole and proceeded to enjoy her fun- filled weekend without giving another thought to Ramona’s poor plant, which sat in the refrigerator the rest of the weekend freezing and without a single drink of water or tenderness.

On Monday afternoon Ramona arrived to pick up Fuzzy. “Oh No!” Ruthie Anne thought when she remembered that she hadn’t even glanced at Fuzzy for the whole weekend. Grimacing slightly, Ruthie Anne led Ramona to the refrigerator and slowly opened it up. Cautiously she looked into the refrigerator and saw that Fuzzy, who was amazingly still alive, had turned bright magenta and had grown long vines with leaves that were moving creepily as if dancing. Ruthie Anne hollered, “Jumping Jaguars!” and threw her hand over her mouth in shock. She couldn’t believe it. “If only I had remembered, this never would have happened” she thought frantically. “What will I tell Ramona?”

Holding the door wide open for Ramona to see, Ruthie Anne flinched as Ramona gazed into the refrigerator, eyes as big as tennis balls, and her jaw dropped. “I’m so sorry,” Ruthie Anne moaned. “I never meant for this to happen.”


Suddenly Ramona’s face cleared and she exclaimed, “Don’t be sorry. This is fantastic! And Fuzzy’s sure never been so happy in his life!” With that, she ecstatically snatched up the peculiar looking plant, who immediately wrapped his long vines around her in a hug, and raced out the front door. Ruthie Anne sighed in relief. The next month Ramona entered Fuzzy into the “Most Exotic Plant” contest where he won the first place gold medal! Ramona loved Fuzzy even more than before! Although everything had turned out for the best, Ruthie Anne decided that she was going to work on improving her forgetfulness problem by using sticky notes.

Rumors of Indians

At school on Tuesday Linus heard some terrible news that Sally had been kidnapped by ferocious Indians and taken to Canada! Linus, who was horrified by this information, immediately zoomed home when school ended to think of a rescue plan. Deciding that sending a letter to the Indian camp was the best idea he had, Linus and Snoopy sat down with a pencil and paper and wrote,

“Dear Sally,

If you need help from the evil Indians, send this letter back telling me!

Love,
Linus”

As his signature Snoopy put his paw print on the paper. Triumphantly Linus and Snoopy finished their Indian rescue letter to Sally.

Holding the paper at eye-level and carefully scanning it once more, Linus and Snoopy. who were proud of their handiwork, checked to make sure that the letter was perfect. Helpfully, Snoopy pointed out where adjustments could be made. After writing the rescue letter, Linus felt confident the Sally would be retrieved from the clutches of the wicked Indians. “If anything can save her, this letter will!” Linus exclaimed proudly.

Suddenly Linus and Snoopy both realized that they had no idea what to do to save Sally if she did need help. Hearing a knock at the door, Linus and Snoopy, who thought it was the Canadian Indians, stared nervously at the handle which slowly turned, the door opening. Their eyes bulged when they saw Sally standing in the doorway, asking them to come outside and play! When Sally told them she wasn’t at school because she hadn’t felt well that morning, Linus and Snoopy were outraged that they had believed the silly rumors that Sally had been kidnapped by wild Indians.