Snoopy's Defeat

On a winter day in December, when it was very cold, the Peanuts gang was enjoying the afternoon skating. Clutching his blue blanket tightly to his cheek, Linus stood in the middle of the pond, wondering why he had come along. He’d much rather be inside with a toasty mug of hot cocoa, cuddling his blanket and sucking his thumb in his favorite chair instead of in the freezing wind, which was making his poor blanket whip back and forth. Clumsily hobbling towards the bank, Linus decided that ice skating was not for him.

Snoopy, who enjoyed skating immensely, was turning pirouettes and spinning circles around everyone as usual. When Linus turned around, he discovered that Snoopy was charging his way. In an attempt to escape, Linus shuffled hurriedly towards the safe edge of the rink. Zooming towards Linus, Snoopy caught him just as he reached the bank.

Snatching the fuzzy blue blanket in his mouth, Snoopy spun Linus around. With determination, Linus clung on to his blanket, his most precious possession, while Snoopy dragged him around the pond. Linus wouldn’t let go. Crazily, Linus was pulled ‘round and ‘round, until his head was spinning wildly. Linus jerked his blanket suddenly, sending Snoopy towards a large snow bank, where he landed dejectedly in defeat.

A Day for Ice Skating

Waiting for Charlie Brown and the others to arrive, Linus, who was early, was skating around the pond slowly. He hadn’t wanted to arrive early, but his mom said, “Better early than late.” In the air he could see his breath fogging up. While he circled the frozen pond, he rubbed his hands together for warmth. Suddenly a freezing gust of wind almost blew him over as he wrapped his blanket tightly around him. He couldn’t wait for Charlie Brown to arrive.

In the distance, Charlie Brown and Snoopy trudged slowly through the deep snow. Looking towards the pond, Charlie Brown could see a speck, and he thought, “That must be Linus!” As he pushed through the snow, Charlie Brown wondered where everyone else was. Suddenly, bounding in front of Charlie Brown, Snoopy, his dog, sped off towards the lake, while Charlie Brown didn’t pick up the pace at all. Charlie Brown watched him run off, shrugged his shoulders, and kept moving forward at his own pace.

As he grew closer to the pond, Snoopy picked up the speed considerably so he could arrive as soon as possible. Violently shivering in the cold, Linus could only make out a white and black blur speeding towards him. Reaching the ice, Snoopy tried to slow down, but went flying across the pond, grabbing for the only thing in his reach. The only thing in his reach just so happened to be Linus’s blanket, while Linus, who refused to let go, got dragged along with Snoopy until they both crashed into the snow bank at the edge of the pond. In the icy snow, Linus and Snoopy untangled themselves to find Charlie Brown, who had finally arrived, skating across the pond to where they were. “I don’t want to skate anymore Charlie Brown,” said Linus.” Freezing cold, they went home.

Cracked

Comfortably sitting in the study, waiting for Mr. Perry, Betty was thinking the day over. Picking up a book, she wondered why the name Betty had been chosen for her because she hated the name Betty. It wasn’t her real name. Her real name was actually Meg, and she was an information gatherer. Under cover as a health consultant for Mr. Perry, who was the owner of all the electrical companies going under in the United States, her mission was simple: see how Perry was taking bankruptcy. While she relaxed in the chair, she also wondered when Mr. Perry would arrive.

As she sat, a loud noise broke into her train of thought. Wildly swinging from the gold chandelier above her was--none other than--Mr. Perry himself. Hooting like an owl and flapping his wings crazily like a bird as he swung back and forth, he kept clawing at nothing with his feet. His clothes were torn, he had half a beard, and he kept screaming, “They will never find me in this jungle.” Above Meg’s head, Mr. Perry, who finally spotted her, let out a howl of rage, and started grabbing books off the shelves, as he chucked them at her head.

Calmly observing the man, Meg watched as he rocked back and forth. “After all your scheming and bribing your way to the top, you have finally cracked, you old tyrant,” she thought. “Although I think I like you better this way anyhow.” Standing up slowly, Meg curtsied and called up, “I shall take my leave now, Mr. Perry,” and with that she turned, smiled to herself, and exited the room. As she walked down the hall to the front door, she planned her report in her head. She didn’t have much to tell the boss, because Mr. Perry could be summed up in four short words. Cracked, but quite delightful.

Fifty Bucks Well-Earned, Almost

As Marge walked down the long aisle she looked up to see the groom, who was standing, smiling at the end of the aisle. Immediately saying yes when he had proposed, she could not wait to be married, especially to the man of her dreams. Waiting at the end of the aisle, Frank stood nervously. He had been waiting for this moment all his life, and he could not believe it was already upon him. He felt like jelly. In the first row, the mothers were clutching their tissues and bawling boomingly into them as Marge passed.

Meanwhile, Francis was standing in the lobby, ready to enter behind Marge. On a pillow next to him, lay the wedding rings, small and gold. He did not want his sister to be married because he didn’t much care for Frank, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Picking up the rings and starting slowly into the aisle, he realized that if he didn’t want his sister to be married he would have to act immediately or forever hold his peace. Quickly, he shoved them up his nose. “This will stop the wedding for sure,” thought Francis as he followed Marge.

When he reached the end of the row, the preacher looked down at the pillow and then at Francis. “Where are they?” he asked. “I don’t know,” replied Francis innocently as he sucked them farther up his nose. “Do you have a cold my dear bo--HOLY CRAP! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE!” screeched the preacher, finally noticing Francis’ bulging nostrils. Digging up his nose with his finger, Francis pulled out the rings, which were covered in snot, spit on them to rinse off the mucus, and handed them to the shocked preacher. On this note, the preacher quickly married the couple. Gloomily searching for his parents, Francis finally found his father, who took the pillow from him as he said, “If your plan had worked, I would have paid you a well-earned fifty bucks.”

Gold Digging

Watching his beautiful older sister glide down the aisle, escorted by their father, Jimmy’s heart sank. Exasperatedly, Jimmy rolled his eyes at the idea of people falling “in love”, which he found to be very obnoxious. Marriage was a fun-sucker. Jimmy, on pain of death by his parents, was the ring bearer; although he’d done everything he could to avoid this terrible prospect. With all his heart, Jimmy loathed that man, from the moment he’d met him. Although he’d hated all of Lia’s boyfriend’s, Cuthbert was the worst. What made him the worst? Cuthbert had actually succeeded in taking away his dearly beloved sister.

Dejectedly he thought to himself that the worst part about it all was that there was nothing he could do to stop it. He had planned. He had schemed. But he had lost. All of his plans, all of his daydreams, which included things such as blowing the groom up, pushing him off a cliff, or chasing him away with a giant rabid ape, had failed. Panicking, Jimmy looked around, and as he did, a brilliant plan popped into his brain. This was his last chance! In desperation, he snatched the two rings from the frilly white cushion, and without hesitation, stuffed one into each nostril. As he marched innocently behind his sister up the aisle, he felt a glow of pride at his own brilliance. No one would ever suspect to look there. He would stop the wedding if it was the last thing he ever did.

Jimmy chuckled to himself, remembering what his mother always said when he picked his nose, “Are you digging for gold?” Now he literally was. When Jimmy arrived at the altar, he held out the empty white pillow to the priest. Glaring at Jimmy, the priest,aghast, demanded where the rings were. Jimmy shrugged his shoulders casually. To Jimmy’s delight the wedding was postponed in order to search for the rings. As the day continued however, the rings began to slide down his nose, so Jimmy continually pushed them farther up. Unfortunately, Jimmy had a very small nose, so this was an extremely painful predicament. Finally, three hours later, he screamed that he couldn’t take it anymore and stuffed his pinkies up to pull the rings out, but Jimmy had pushed them so high up that this was problematic. The rings were stuck! Jimmy’s parents were furious when he confessed, but they, too, couldn’t extract those precious rings rom Jimmy’s tiny freckled nose. In the end, the rings had to be surgically removed, which was an excruciating experience for Jimmy. His parents decided that this was punishment enough. As Cuthbert and Lia took their vows, Jimmy made his own vow that he would never dig for gold again.

Union Giveth Strength (King James Style)

Now there was a man far advanced in years, who, at the point of death called his sons to his bedside to giveth them wisdom. He ordered a servant to bringeth a faggot of sticks to his room, wherefore he might use it to teacheth his sons, and he said to his eldest, “Thine strength is great: breakest the faggot of sticks,” and his eldest son straineth at it, but he could not breakest the faggot of sticks, and to the others he said Thine strength is great: breakest the faggot of sticks.

And although the others strained, they were unable to breaketh the faggot of sticks. The father told them, “Untieth the faggot of sticks and taketh one each for yourselves and breakest it,” and they obeyed their father and tooketh out one each and broke it. “See my sons: union gives strength.”

Union Gives Strength (Hans Christian Andersen Style)

Once upon a time, in a distant and beautiful county where rolling green hills and an ocean of golden poppies stretched as far as the eye could see was a small humble cottage were an elderly man and his two sons dwelled. The wise old man loved his sons and had taught them everything he knew so that they were strong, smart young men. Every day the father, whose hair was silver as the full moon, sat on his three-legged stool and played splendidly on his mandolin while his two sons worked in the fields. His mandolin was his favorite possession and pastime, and when he played, it instilled joy in all who heard it, and birds of all shapes and sizes would divert their flights to perch and listen to the great artisan.

But one day in late autumn, when the last of the golden leaves were beginning to drift toward the ground, and a dusty darkness lay over everything, the mandolin ceased to sing, but was replace by the sound of hollow wind. The father lay languishing in his large oak bed; his health was failing. Each day one of his sons sat by his side while the other labored in the fields alone. But he wanted to teach his sons an important lesson while he still had time.

Calling his sons to his bedside, he asked them to bring a large, tightly-bound bundle of sticks into the room. When they brought it in, carrying it together for it was very heavy; their father commanded them to break the bundle of sticks apart. The eldest son, who was intelligent and knew how to use leverage cleverly, set the sticks on his knees, and pushed. But his trick, which had always worked before, resulted in only an aching leg. Like his older brother, the younger son was a practical son, due to his father’s impeccable teaching, so he grabbed his best saw and tried to saw the bundle of sticks apart. Although it was sharper then an alligator’s teeth and sturdier than a brick wall, the saw broke in half.

They both turned to their father in consternation and he told them, “You see my meaning; union gives strength.”

Small Friends are Good Friends (Hans Christian Andersen Style)

Once upon a time not so long ago in a land far away where the water was as blue as the sky, an ant as small as a speck of dust, woke up as happy as a child on Christmas because the sun was shining as brightly as a diamond, and she went running as fast as a cheetah down to the beautiful stream, which had as many currents as gorillas have fleas and long rocks protruding from the water like knives, while the water leaped and bubbled around it like it was laughing. As she was drinking like a camel which had not had water for many weeks, a wave jumped up like a huge roaring monster and dragged her under.

A dove, who was as white as newly fallen snow in December when children go sledding for the first time and as soft as a fresh pillow, was gliding over the trees that stood as tall as towers with there many branches reaching out like many arms and fingers, when she spotted the ant, who was yelling for help as loud as a trumpet, and dropped the bough she was carrying to build her nest with into the rushing river. The ant climbed aboard the bough and laid there like a shipwrecked sailor who had been brutally thrown around like a potato in the ocean. When the bough floated to shore the ant flopped onto the ground, water-logged as a sponge, and then got up and thanked the white dove.

A couple of weeks later when the leaves, which were turning brown and yellow and falling to the ground, a hunter, who was as mean as a grizzly bear with a toothache, took such a perfect aim at the same beautiful dove that saved the ant, that Robin Hood’s jaw would have dropped like a rock off a cliff, but the ant, who was as angry as a wild boar, stung him so hard that he ran like he was being chased by the Roman army, and he never—as long as he lived—never took a step out of his house. However, the brave little ant and the kind dove learned that the smallest of friends are the best of friends.

The Dove and the Ant King James Style

In 2000 AD an ant woketh up and went down to the stream to sippeth, and she fell in and was carried down the stream. A dove that passed by dropped the bough she was carrying and the ant climbed upon the bough and floated to shore. I am forever in thy debt because thy saved mine life and if thine ever has an enemies I shall smite him and send him where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth: said the ant.

In 2001 AD the dove was flying when a foul man beast approached and tooketh aim with his gun, but the ant was passing by and smote him on the foot and the hunter fell and died and his body was eaten by worms. The dove and the ant learned the lesson: The littlest of warriors is the best of friends.

Original Aesop Fable: An ant, going to the river to drink, fell in, and was carried along in the stream. A Dove pitied her condition, and threw into the river a small bough, by the means of which the Ant gained the shore. The Ant afterward, seeing a man with a fowling piece aiming at the Dove, stung him in the foot sharply, and made him miss his aim, and so saved the Dove's life.

"LITTLE FRIENDS MAY PROVE GREAT FRIENDS."

The Dove and the Ant Uncle Remus Style

One day en ant woke herself up en thawt ter herself, “Wat a butifo mawnin.” En she went a skippin en a hoppin en a hoppin en a skipin happy down ter da rushin riva where all her antish frens be.

“Fine mawnin weed havin. Wud yoodegree?”

To which her frens sez, “Not nothin fine bout it.”

En dey went ter argin bout da wedder til quite sudden, the ant wen slippety on da rocks, en wen a splashin inter da riva. Meanwi, a dove was passin by en spot the ant in da riva, so she went en dropped da bough she was caryn in the stream. Da ant wen en stick herself to dat der bough mighty quik en floated to shure wer she exlaim ter da bird, “I bet my life on it, if it wasn’t for dat der bough that you gone throne inter da stream, I’d ben a goner.”

Days laita der was a killa loosed in the same forst wid ‘is gun, en he took a mighty fine aim at da same dove dat had gone en save da ant, but da ant was passin by en give dat killa a bite on da foot dat it nevuh foget. Dat killa run off like a hut chile, en fo da resuff der lives da dove en ant dey live demselzes a peaceful life en were never bothered agen.

Littlest frens often be the mightiest frens.

Original Aesop Fable:

An ant, going to the river to drink, fell in, and was carried along in the stream. A Dove pitied her condition, and threw into the river a small bough, by the means of which the Ant gained the shore. The Ant afterward, seeing a man with a fowling piece aiming at the Dove, stung him in the foot sharply, and made him miss his aim, and so saved the Dove's life.

"LITTLE FRIENDS MAY PROVE GREAT FRIENDS."

Bundle of Sticks Uncle Remus Style

Once der were a old man wit mar dan a lil wrinkle on his der face dat he look like a prune of sawts. Now he was so old dat he wadint gonna last so mawch time longer, so he calls his grandsons to hiz bed an he sayz shakonly, “Maw gud boys,” he says, “Go you ut to the field and bringer en a gud size bundel o’ sticks."

When dey cawm back, an dey do quick cuz dey big strong muzzles dey got, dey say, “Granpappy we did done like ya says.”
And granpappy says shakonly to da biggst of da two, he say, “Break it apar.”

The firs grandson go tarin and rippin and ripping and tarin but he ain’t no getting dat bundel apar. An with a stridle of sweat runnin’ dun iz face he say, “Granpappy, I ain’t able to.”

So iz brother come fluxxin iz muzzles proud, and he pulled and tugged and tugged and pulled, bud he ain’t able neither. En fac, he does fall un da flawr fum zaustion.

Den grandpappy say shakonly, “Boys, ya untaw dat bundel o’ sticks and tek ut one each.” So dey did es dey were teld. “Now brik et apar’,” says grandpappy shakonly.

And like it were a stick o’ straw dey brek it apar’, an ol granpappy say wise, “Seez—togeder yooz is strong!”

Original Aesop Fable:

An old man on the point of death summoned his sons around him to give them some parting advice. He ordered his servants to bring in a faggot of sticks, and said to his eldest son: “Break it.” The son strained and strained, but with all his efforts was unable to break the Bundle. The other sons also tried, but none of them was successful. “Untie the faggots,” said the father, “and each of you take a stick.” When they had done so, he called out to them: “Now, break,” and each stick was easily broken. “You see my meaning,” said their father.

“UNION GIVES STRENGTH.”

Professional Crime Fighting

Sweeping the floor of his store, Franklin glanced up to see a massive man with a mask like Zorro’s stuffing his pockets with merchandise. “Hey you didn’t pay for that!” Franklin shouted angrily. Calmly, the man kept shoving trinkets in his pockets and down the front of his shirt. Franklin, who was very confused about why the thief didn’t run, thought up a plan. Since the thief ignored him, Franklin dropped his broom as he stomped furiously across the aisle.

Past the toys Franklin sprinted. He hurtled quite madly. He panted loudly. Casually, the thief took out a gun and pointed it at Franklin. Since he didn’t know what to do, Franklin stopped abruptly. The thief, who grinned slyly, chuckled to himself. Although usually he was a sensible man, Franklin charged at the monstrous intruder. Pulling the trigger, the thief fired. Franklin couldn’t understand what was happening. He wasn’t in any pain, but he was lying on his back, soaked to the skin. It was a water gun.

Jumping to his feet, Franklin chased the thief through the store, hollering at the top of his lungs. As they came to the exercise department, the thief glanced back to see if he was still being chased. Frantically swiveling his head to see where he was running, the thief realized too late that he was half an inch away from a pull-up bar. The thief collapsed pathetically on the ground. After the police, who showed up late, identified the man as an escaped convict named Al Steellall, they tied and woke him up. Franklin asked him, “Did you really think you’d get away with that?” “You are the only reason I didn’t,” Al replied. Receiving the reward money for capturing Al, Franklin went into professional crime fighting service and became a millionaire, while Al became a professional prisoner, locked up in jail.

Linus's Miserable Failure

Linus sat down to work on a school project. “What in the world should I write about, Snoopy?” Linus asked the dog. Suddenly he jotted down a few words. Crossing them out, he laid his head on the table, thinking furiously, which is quite hard for a boy. Linus had to write a story by taking three pictures and writing a paragraph about each one. Although it was not hard, he still did not want to do it.

Writing as quickly as he could, he came up with something. Happily, he inspected what he’d written a few minutes later. Because he was so excited, he exclaimed, “Snoopy look at this!” Snoopy, who looked the essay up and down, approved. On the paper was a story of a boy who did not know what to write about.

“Linus, time for school,” his mother called loudly up the stairs. Linus had forgotten about school! Hurriedly, Linus ran frantically down the stairs and put on his brown sandals. Hopping onto the bus, he rode down the street, when suddenly Linus realized he had forgotten his paper. At school, he failed his project miserably.

Deathly Fish Fear

Where is that cake? Debra was leaning into the refrigerator, looking frantically for the cake. Because of her husband’s fortieth birthday party that evening she was very stressed out. Thinking about all the things she had to do made her nervous. She still had to clean the house, shop for funky party napkins, sweep the floor, and put up party decorations. Briskly she searched through the fridge, which was stuffed with party food, wondering where the cake was.

Jumping back like a scared cat from the refrigerator suddenly, she put her hand over her mouth and looked as if she was going to be sick. A terrified expression came to her face, and she backed away from the fridge. Inside the fridge was a huge bowl of moving fish. Debra screamed!

Sharply, she ran across the room and fell like a rock to the floor. Flopping out of the fridge onto the floor, the fish laid there and died from lack of water. Alfred, Debra’s little boy, walked in and started to cry because all the fish he had found at the pond were dead. After a couple of minutes, Harold, who had been doing college homework in the basement, came up to see what all the fuss was about. In the end, Harold called off the party and put Debra, who was very distraught because of her deathly fear of fish, to bed, gave the frightfully sad boy a spanking for bringing fish inside the house, and cleaned up all the dead fish.

A Note to Not Forget

Once there was a girl named Ruthie Anne, who was a kind and honest person, but exceptionally forgetful. Talking to her friend Ramona one day, Ruthie Anne was asked to care for her plant for the weekend while Ramona was visiting her grandmother. Ruthie Anne assured Ramona that Fuzzy (the plant) would be safe with her. Like a mother, Ramona brought the plant over to Ruthie Anne’s house and told her to make sure that the plant got plenty of water and was put in a cool shady area. She also mentioned that Fuzzy needed an hour of play time every day or he would get lonely. After Ramona left, Ruthie Anne decided that a nice cool place would be the refrigerator, so she set the plant on the top shelf among the ketchup bottle, strawberry jam, and leftover casserole and proceeded to enjoy her fun- filled weekend without giving another thought to Ramona’s poor plant, which sat in the refrigerator the rest of the weekend freezing and without a single drink of water or tenderness.

On Monday afternoon Ramona arrived to pick up Fuzzy. “Oh No!” Ruthie Anne thought when she remembered that she hadn’t even glanced at Fuzzy for the whole weekend. Grimacing slightly, Ruthie Anne led Ramona to the refrigerator and slowly opened it up. Cautiously she looked into the refrigerator and saw that Fuzzy, who was amazingly still alive, had turned bright magenta and had grown long vines with leaves that were moving creepily as if dancing. Ruthie Anne hollered, “Jumping Jaguars!” and threw her hand over her mouth in shock. She couldn’t believe it. “If only I had remembered, this never would have happened” she thought frantically. “What will I tell Ramona?”

Holding the door wide open for Ramona to see, Ruthie Anne flinched as Ramona gazed into the refrigerator, eyes as big as tennis balls, and her jaw dropped. “I’m so sorry,” Ruthie Anne moaned. “I never meant for this to happen.”


Suddenly Ramona’s face cleared and she exclaimed, “Don’t be sorry. This is fantastic! And Fuzzy’s sure never been so happy in his life!” With that, she ecstatically snatched up the peculiar looking plant, who immediately wrapped his long vines around her in a hug, and raced out the front door. Ruthie Anne sighed in relief. The next month Ramona entered Fuzzy into the “Most Exotic Plant” contest where he won the first place gold medal! Ramona loved Fuzzy even more than before! Although everything had turned out for the best, Ruthie Anne decided that she was going to work on improving her forgetfulness problem by using sticky notes.

Rumors of Indians

At school on Tuesday Linus heard some terrible news that Sally had been kidnapped by ferocious Indians and taken to Canada! Linus, who was horrified by this information, immediately zoomed home when school ended to think of a rescue plan. Deciding that sending a letter to the Indian camp was the best idea he had, Linus and Snoopy sat down with a pencil and paper and wrote,

“Dear Sally,

If you need help from the evil Indians, send this letter back telling me!

Love,
Linus”

As his signature Snoopy put his paw print on the paper. Triumphantly Linus and Snoopy finished their Indian rescue letter to Sally.

Holding the paper at eye-level and carefully scanning it once more, Linus and Snoopy. who were proud of their handiwork, checked to make sure that the letter was perfect. Helpfully, Snoopy pointed out where adjustments could be made. After writing the rescue letter, Linus felt confident the Sally would be retrieved from the clutches of the wicked Indians. “If anything can save her, this letter will!” Linus exclaimed proudly.

Suddenly Linus and Snoopy both realized that they had no idea what to do to save Sally if she did need help. Hearing a knock at the door, Linus and Snoopy, who thought it was the Canadian Indians, stared nervously at the handle which slowly turned, the door opening. Their eyes bulged when they saw Sally standing in the doorway, asking them to come outside and play! When Sally told them she wasn’t at school because she hadn’t felt well that morning, Linus and Snoopy were outraged that they had believed the silly rumors that Sally had been kidnapped by wild Indians.