Gold Digging

Watching his beautiful older sister glide down the aisle, escorted by their father, Jimmy’s heart sank. Exasperatedly, Jimmy rolled his eyes at the idea of people falling “in love”, which he found to be very obnoxious. Marriage was a fun-sucker. Jimmy, on pain of death by his parents, was the ring bearer; although he’d done everything he could to avoid this terrible prospect. With all his heart, Jimmy loathed that man, from the moment he’d met him. Although he’d hated all of Lia’s boyfriend’s, Cuthbert was the worst. What made him the worst? Cuthbert had actually succeeded in taking away his dearly beloved sister.

Dejectedly he thought to himself that the worst part about it all was that there was nothing he could do to stop it. He had planned. He had schemed. But he had lost. All of his plans, all of his daydreams, which included things such as blowing the groom up, pushing him off a cliff, or chasing him away with a giant rabid ape, had failed. Panicking, Jimmy looked around, and as he did, a brilliant plan popped into his brain. This was his last chance! In desperation, he snatched the two rings from the frilly white cushion, and without hesitation, stuffed one into each nostril. As he marched innocently behind his sister up the aisle, he felt a glow of pride at his own brilliance. No one would ever suspect to look there. He would stop the wedding if it was the last thing he ever did.

Jimmy chuckled to himself, remembering what his mother always said when he picked his nose, “Are you digging for gold?” Now he literally was. When Jimmy arrived at the altar, he held out the empty white pillow to the priest. Glaring at Jimmy, the priest,aghast, demanded where the rings were. Jimmy shrugged his shoulders casually. To Jimmy’s delight the wedding was postponed in order to search for the rings. As the day continued however, the rings began to slide down his nose, so Jimmy continually pushed them farther up. Unfortunately, Jimmy had a very small nose, so this was an extremely painful predicament. Finally, three hours later, he screamed that he couldn’t take it anymore and stuffed his pinkies up to pull the rings out, but Jimmy had pushed them so high up that this was problematic. The rings were stuck! Jimmy’s parents were furious when he confessed, but they, too, couldn’t extract those precious rings rom Jimmy’s tiny freckled nose. In the end, the rings had to be surgically removed, which was an excruciating experience for Jimmy. His parents decided that this was punishment enough. As Cuthbert and Lia took their vows, Jimmy made his own vow that he would never dig for gold again.